Io no bev’

I don’t drink. Not anymore. After five years of chronic drinking, I’ve been sober for 16 months. My journey to sobriety has been per Aspera ad Inferi. Prior to that, I was sober for four years. Prior to that, I binge drank for three years. It was like drinking at Bob’s Country Bunker. I had both kinds, chronic and binge. .385 is a great batting average, but it’s a terrible measure of your life and how the way you are living affects those around you. I’ve weighed whether to share this story, but it is my nature and character to do so.

It wasn’t my father’s way. But as much as his life was surrounded by secrets out of necessity and prudence, I am terrible with secrets that are my own. My drinking was not a secret. I never concealed my drinking; it was out in the open, whether at social gatherings or alone. Alcohol wasn’t something I craved, yet I often made it a priority. The harm I caused can’t be fully undone or repaid, but I can make a difference by giving back. So be it. If me keeping it real helps somebody face down their demons, so much the better.

The Choice of Addiction

In Breaking Bad, Walter White’s final time seeing Skyler, Holly, and Walt Jr. included a stone cold admission, “I did it for me. I liked it. I was good at it.”  But I wasn’t alive. Not really. I existed in a liminal space, caught between life and death, freedom and enslavement, bound by a self-imposed chain I willingly wore. My drinking wasn’t an uncontrollable addiction I could blame; I deliberately walked that road because I wanted to be where I was.

“Choosers choose choices,” sounds like something Bill Parcells would say. It’s certainly on level with coachspeak. In my case it’s the most simple TLDR explanation. I didn’t use drinking to hide other issues, though it helped me justify my choices still faced challenges with my mental, physical, and spiritual health, worsened by my drinking. It was akin to a parallel broadside course sailed by warring ships of the line rather than a collision between the two or using the one as a veil to hide the other.

Patterns of Abuse

Binge Drinking

Twelfth night we go
After something everyone should know
Somewhere in the distance, out of sight
Then I saw gin mill, rainfall
What do you remember, if at all?
Only pieces of the night
–Gin Blossoms “Pieces of the Night”

After many years of only having a beer or two occasionally or a glass of wine at night — with one notable exception. I took a position where alcohol was a valid business expense that was encouraged with customers and co-workers. I became John Bonham on the road. It soon escalated off the road the more successful I became in my role with promotions from security architect to SME to managing consultant. I chose to put myself in social situations that encouraged drinking. Meetings with partners who would run an open tab, taking clients to a cigar bar where quality spirits complimented quality cigars, all of it expensed for business.

I said yes at every step. Including the choice to bring it home. After the kids went to bed, out came the Scotch. The excess was especially bad on the weekends. I would smoke a cigar and drink to so much excess that I would drain a bottle and then down another. I turned into a blackout drunk overwhelming the hippocampus with a total inability to recall the time. My wife would find me in the floor, unconscious, and would make sure I was positioned so I wouldn’t succumb “death by misadventure”.

But when I finally came around
I’m sittin’ on the rug gettin’ a victory hug
From the fella in the brite Brite Nitegown
–Donald Fagen “Brite Nightgown”

And then one night, I stopped. I went to the cabinet, grabbed up the bottles, and poured them down the sink. As I had done with cigarettes over a decade before, I walked away from it as consciously as I had stepped to it. It was my decision alone. I maintained sobriety without craving and without temptation for four years.

Chronic Drinking

But if I seem to be confused
I didn’t mean to be with you
And when you said I scared you, well, I guess you scared me too
But we got lucky once before
And I don’t wanna close the door
–Concrete Blonde “Joey”

I began drinking again one Christmas, openly and without reservation. My choice was Rum and Coke because I was Mr. Fun on Rum whereas Scotch and rye made me very insular, insolated, and isolated from everything and everyone. I stuck to it. Nightly. For five years. I was very disciplined, having the same amount each night. There was no binging and no deviation. I had the last of it early in 2024. Unlike the binging there was no emptying of bottles in the sink. I finished the last drink and never returned to the liquor store.

Similar to quitting cigarettes over two decades prior, I crushed out the last Benson & Hedges Light Menthol — my father’s brand — and never smoked another. A year after I quit smoking, my father died due to COPD after smoking for over 40 years. I understood the universally negative outcomes of chronic behavior. It is far worse than acute binge behavior. There is often a drying out period with acute alcohol abuse and that was my pattern as a problematic non-dependant binge drinker. My chronic drinking, though it was confined to a rigid schedule, was far more destructive than the binging. It had to stop so stop it did.

The Thread of Trust

I’m not the business of telling others that they need to trust anyone other than Jesus, but I will share my experience. When it’s time to trust, trust yourself first before attempting to trust anyone else. It’s your life, not someone else’s standards for your life. I mean that for both positive and negative standards and situations in which you find yourself. Once you spin thread from trusting yourself, you can take it to the loom and transform it into a tapestry that can warm yourself and others around you.

Be mindful of AA’s first step: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable. My experience is unique in that I was non-dependant. My drinking was a conscious proactive choice. From a certain point of view that makes it worse and more damaging. I am a very selfish person and that causes pain that can’t be soothed. I’m giving my testimony in the hopes of moving on and helping others find a path to recovery. I pray that you find your own.

-30-

One for the Road

The notable exception mentioned above was our honeymoon in Jamaica, which should have been a warning. At the time it was largely funny because in every picture I have a drink in my hand and every picture it’s a different drink. Through the lens of what came after it was a foreboding experience. But it didn’t continue then so at the time it was funny. One night I insisted my wife conduct helping me undressed and into bed according to Robert’s Rules of Order. Not kidding.

Resources

1. Alcoholics Anonymous (AA):
   • Approach: Peer-led, spiritual 12-step program promoting abstinence from alcohol.
   • Focus: Helps individuals achieve and maintain sobriety through a structured process emphasizing surrender to a “higher power,” personal inventory, amends, and ongoing fellowship.
   • Structure: Offers in-person and online meetings worldwide, typically involving sharing experiences, working through the 12 steps with a sponsor, and celebrating milestones with sobriety coins.
   • Resource: aa.org
2. SMART Recovery (Self-Management and Recovery Training):
   • Approach: Secular, science-based program emphasizing self-empowerment and cognitive behavioral techniques.
   • Focus: Teaches tools to manage cravings, cope with urges, and build motivation for abstinence or moderation.
   • Structure: Offers in-person and online meetings with trained facilitators, focusing on a 4-point program: motivation, coping skills, thought management, and balanced living.
   • Resource: smartrecovery.org
3. LifeRing Secular Recovery:
   • Approach: Secular, peer-run support group promoting abstinence.
   • Focus: Encourages personal recovery plans and emphasizes the “sober self” through positivity and practicality.
   • Structure: Meetings (in-person and online) involve sharing experiences and advice, with no strict steps or spiritual elements.
   • Resource: lifering.org
4. Secular Organizations for Sobriety (SOS):
   • Approach: Secular, abstinence-focused network of independent groups.
   • Focus: Supports individuals in achieving sobriety through personal responsibility and peer support, without religious frameworks.
   • Structure: Local and online meetings where members share strategies and experiences; no formal steps.
   • Resource: sossobriety.org
5. Women for Sobriety (WFS):
   • Approach: Gender-specific program for women, focusing on emotional and spiritual growth.
   • Focus: Uses the “New Life Program” with 13 affirmations to foster positive thinking and abstinence.
   • Structure: Weekly face-to-face and online meetings (60-90 minutes) in the U.S. and Canada, encouraging self-discovery and peer support.
   • Resource: womenforsobriety.org
6. Moderation Management (MM):
   • Approach: Non-abstinence-based, aimed at reducing harmful drinking rather than requiring total sobriety.
   • Focus: Helps individuals set personal drinking limits, manage triggers, and adopt healthier habits through self-management.
   • Structure: Offers online forums, occasional in-person meetings, and resources like workbooks to track progress.
   • Resource: moderation.org
7. The Sinclair Method:
   • Approach: Medical, evidence-based treatment using naltrexone to reduce alcohol cravings.
   • Focus: Allows continued drinking while the medication blocks alcohol’s pleasurable effects, gradually reducing desire to drink.
   • Structure: Involves a prescription from a healthcare provider, often paired with counseling or support groups; no formal meetings.
   • Resource: cthreefoundation.org
8. Harm Reduction Programs (HAMS):
   • Approach: Pragmatic approach to minimize alcohol-related harm without mandating abstinence.
   • Focus: Helps individuals identify harmful drinking patterns and set personalized goals (e.g., cutting back or quitting).
   • Structure: Offered through organizations like HAMS (Harm Reduction, Abstinence, and Moderation Support), with online resources and community support.
   • Resource: hams.cc
9. Dual Recovery Anonymous (DRA):
   • Approach: 12-step program for those with co-occurring mental health issues and substance abuse.
   • Focus: Combines sobriety with mental health recovery, adapting steps to address dual diagnoses like depression or anxiety.
   • Structure: In-person and online meetings, focusing on managing both conditions.
   • Resource: draonline.org

10. Celebrate Recovery:
    • Approach: Christ-centered, 12-step program integrating biblical principles to address addiction, including alcohol.
    • Focus: Combines recovery from substance abuse with spiritual growth, emphasizing healing through faith in Jesus Christ.
    • Structure: Weekly meetings in churches worldwide, including worship, teaching, and small groups; uses 8 recovery principles based on the Beatitudes.
    • Resource: celebraterecovery.com
11. Reformers Unanimous (RU Recovery):
    • Approach: Faith-based, Bible-centered program for overcoming addictions, including alcoholism.
    • Focus: Emphasizes salvation and reliance on God’s Word to achieve freedom from addiction, with abstinence as the goal.
    • Structure: Weekly meetings in Baptist churches, combining scripture study, counseling, and accountability groups.
    • Resource: rurecovery.com
12. Overcomers Outreach:
    • Approach: Christian 12-step program blending AA’s steps with biblical teachings.
    • Focus: Supports recovery from alcohol and other addictions through faith, prayer, and fellowship, welcoming families and friends.
    • Structure: Meetings in churches, offering group discussions and scripture-based support, often less formal than AA.
    • Resource: overcomersoutreach.org
13. Alcoholics Victorious:
    • Approach: Christian recovery program rooted in biblical principles, using a modified 12-step framework.
    • Focus: Promotes abstinence and spiritual transformation through faith in Christ, addressing alcoholism specifically.
    • Structure: Small group meetings in churches, combining prayer, Bible study, and peer support; often hosted by Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation affiliates.
    • Resource: alcoholicsvictorious.org

• Choosing a Program: The best fit depends on your personal beliefs, goals (abstinence vs. moderation), and needs (e.g., spiritual vs. secular, medical vs. peer-based). AA’s widespread presence (over 2 million members globally) makes it highly accessible, while faith-based options like Celebrate Recovery appeal to those in church communities.
• Availability: Most programs offer online options; faith-based programs are often tied to local churches, with Celebrate Recovery having over 35,000 groups worldwide.
• Evidence: A 2020 Cochrane review supports AA’s effectiveness for abstinence, with faith-based and secular alternatives like SMART Recovery showing success for different preferences.